Happy Teacher's Day.

A student of hers sent a SMS to her phone, wishing her Happy Teacher's Day.

Whoever that is, I would like to convey my heartfelt gratitude.

Maybe you don't know that she's not here anymore, or maybe you do, but it's just nice to know that somebody outside her family actually remembers her. :)

She was indeed a great teacher, like how she was a great mother.

How I miss her so.

What ifs.

I have abandoned this for quite some time, not because I forgot about it, but every time I open this page, I get a sense of melancholy.

I just cannot bring myself to update prior to this. I just decided to do it today as this month marks the sixth month of her passing.

Although people always tell me, 'no regrets,' but I can't help but think of what might've been if I had been a better son, or what I should've done before she passed away.

An hour before she collapsed, she was having sahur with my father, to mark their last day of 'puasa enam (an optional extra six days of fasting during Syawal)' while I was supposed to start mine with them that morning. I didn't feel like it so I didn't.

If I had at least woke up and joined them at the table, I would've been able to be there for my mum's last conversation. My last memory of her voice was hearing her laugh at 10 o'clock the night before.

I guess Allah has His ways, I believe the reason why He didn't wake me up back then was to let both my parents have her last moment to themselves.

Another thing I always think about is what if she were alive today.

How I wonder how her reaction will be if she sees all the changes we've made.

My AS exams is in less than 2 weeks, and if she's still here, she would be pestering and lecturing me constantly except when I'm seemingly silent in my study.

Her laughter would constantly lighten up the atmosphere after a long hard day experienced by the whole household.

What car would she be driving now.

What would she say if she met all of my great friends in person.

What would she say about my new band making the graduation.

So many what ifs, they'll never end. Guess I'll never find out the answers, not in my lifetime.

InsyaAllah, she can see all of us from Heaven, be happy about how we are handling life without her.

"Id love to stay with you all
Please smile when you think of me
My body's gone thats all"

I'm sure she would say that if she were able to talk to us from Heaven.

So, Mummy, this is for you. Just like what I did before you closed your eyes for the last time.

:)

Astounded.

I am honestly still astounded by her departure.

Every time I visit her grave, my mind would be picturing the atmosphere on the day she was buried.

I could imagine all my relatives and friends at exactly where they stood during the funeral.

I would step back from where I am standing and then I could almost see myself, my siblings, my dad and the imam at the exact same place we sat.

I find solace at her grave. I don't know why. Whenever I feel down or upset over stuff, a visit to the grave would calm me down.

I miss her presence so dearly. Most of the things I see reminds me of her. In fact when recently I took a picture, I realised that I look like her from a certain angle.

I will always be her first born son. Her soul lives on in me.

One year ago.

Before SPM, I came back from school only to find her inside my room cleaning everything inside out, literally.

She was on leave that day. According to her, she wants to make my room spanking clean because she knew I was very allergic to dust, and she didn't want me to get sick during the crucial stages.

All the furniture was moved and all the corners were cleaned thoroughly.

She even washed my washroom herself, because she said she could do a much better job than the maid.

I entered my room today and suddenly this memory came back to me.

Welcome.

Hello everybody.

I created this blog for our family not only to express grief and sorrow, but for us to express our memories of her as well.

I just thought I should.